October was the month where everything seemed to be going well – I was at peak fitness, my job, although not great, was tolerable, I’d just started working at Sweaty Betty. I was networking, trying new things and getting out there. Then came November – the sobering reality hit that I can’t continue with this freelancing lark with the 3-month overdue invoices, terrible briefs and sporadic work. I mean, who can live like that and retain any semblance of normality?
So here I am. I’m in the abyss and I’m struggling to find my way out. My running has gone backwards, I’ve lost weight (not in a good way), I have interviews coming out of my ears, writing tests, my freelance work, work in the shop and worst of all it’s Christmas – the time when we’re all supposed to be happy and have all the answers. I am 34 years’ old next year and I don’t even know what I’m doing next week and it terrifies me. I used to have everything mapped out, and I used to be so self assured, but I’ve lost all my self belief – I assume I’m going to fail at everything; running, work, life.
The past is gone. If I live in the present I have to fill my life with stuff to drown out the noise of abject failure, and sometimes it feels like there is no future.
I run to be at peace, to get some fresh air, to achieve something (even if that achievement is to just leave the house) – I run to feel part of the human race again. I know that when I have something to hold onto in this world and hang my hat on and say ‘this is me’ I’ll be OK, in the mean time, I run.
Why do you run? If you run to improve your mental health I would love to hear from you for a film project I’m working on in 2014: firstname.lastname@example.org