Running away from it all

October was the month where everything seemed to be going well – I was at peak fitness, my job, although not great, was tolerable, I’d just started working at Sweaty Betty. I was networking, trying new things and getting out there. Then came November – the sobering reality hit that I can’t continue with this freelancing lark with the 3-month overdue invoices, terrible briefs and sporadic work. I mean, who can live like that and retain any semblance of normality?

So here I am. I’m in the abyss and I’m struggling to find my way out. My running has gone backwards, I’ve lost weight (not in a good way), I have interviews coming out of my ears, writing tests, my freelance work, work in the shop and worst of all it’s Christmas – the time when we’re all supposed to be happy and have all the answers. I am 34 years’ old next year and I don’t even know what I’m doing next week and it terrifies me. I used to have everything mapped out, and I used to be so self assured, but I’ve lost all my self belief – I assume I’m going to fail at everything; running, work, life.

The past is gone. If I live in the present I have to fill my life with stuff to drown out the noise of abject failure, and sometimes it feels like there is no future.

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I run to be at peace, to get some fresh air, to achieve something (even if that achievement is to just leave the house) – I run to feel part of the human race again. I know that when I have something to hold onto in this world and hang my hat on and say ‘this is me’ I’ll be OK, in the mean time, I run.

Why do you run? If you run to improve your mental health I would love to hear from you for a film project I’m working on in 2014: dashingdivasuk@gmail.com

sian

3 thoughts on “Running away from it all

  1. Sian, you are not a failure! You are not a failure to me, or Dad or anyone else! You are an achiever, but you must learn to realise that you cannot be a high achiever all of the time – most people would be happy to be a high achiever some of the time! If companies are tardy at paying invoices, that is their fault in processes, not yours; if you’ve got loads of interviews, thank your lucky stars – many people struggle to get any; if you can’t run 5 or 10k under a certain time at any or all times it is not the end of the world – it is only running, it is not the Olympics! People who love you judge you for who you are, not what you are or what you can achieve. Please stop beating yourself up by setting yourself impossible targets in life that most of us mere mortals would struggle to achieve at least a fraction of!

  2. My parents told me last week that they are separating. I’m 23 but still taking it pretty hard and I haven’t actually told anyone. (until announcing it on the internet right now) Running is definitely helping and there has been some tears on my latest long run. Running is great therapy and that’s the main reason I run. That and so I can eat all the courette fries.

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