Fat girl inside a skinny body

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Over the last year or so, on and off, I’ve been struggling. After the initial weight loss, the feeling good, all the PBs rolling in, the adrenaline has worn off and I’m now left with the body and the fitness I want, but the mind of a fat girl. It doesn’t matter what I achieve, how far I can run, how high I can climb the voice inside my head is ALWAYS telling me I can’t do it. It’s extremely exhausting being me and maintaining a positive front all the time when inside I am screaming!

You see I am inherently hard on myself. I see heavy breathing as a weakness rather than effort, I see struggling to the summit as a sign that I’m unfit, not that the summit is insanely steep and that 99% of people would struggle. For running, I’m in control of these demons – I get through and even if I fail I only have to set foot out of the door on a good day and all wrongs have been righted and I live to fight a new day.

My arch nenemis is mountaineering. My stats say that I should be able to do it easily:

– Marathon and half marathon runner – check

– Low resting heart rate (55 bpm) – check

– Low end of BMI scale (22) – check

– Does shed loads of exercise/training – check

I just don’t have the bollox for it. I really struggle mentally to tell myself I can get up that hill. Something inside remembers the mildly overweight, unfit girl who tried to haul her lazy arse up Kilimanjaro,  but didn’t make it. 

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Next year I have set my sights on Elbrus, Russia (5,642 metres; 18,510 ft) in June or July. It’s going to be tough, but I’ll have Rich with me for support (something I’ve not had before – I usually do things alone) and I know with his help I can do this. I should be marathon fit by then too so there’s no excuse! 

Then the old me will be dead and buried, and the new me will kick that mountain’s butt!

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7 thoughts on “Fat girl inside a skinny body

    • It’s very difficult – I think initially the only thing for it is lots of support, and doing lots of summits and building confidence. I’m sure I’ll get there eventually. 🙂 x

  1. Pingback: Fat girl inside a skinny body | Dashing Divas | Maui Slim

  2. I can totally relate to this. Sometimes I think the biggest challenge is convincing yourself that you can do it, and to stop listening to that doubting voice that always seems to be whining in the background. Remember it hasn’t stopped you so far and it won’t stop you now! Best of luck 🙂

    • I agree – it’s all mental. I hike with a lot of friends who are nowhere near as fit on paper, but always whoop my butt on the hills! It’s because they are so confident and self assured and I’m the opposite. It’s at least 50% mental I think all these challenges.

  3. With climbing or hill walking it’s all about your head.
    Of course conditions make a huge difference, as do how you’re fuelled and how comfortable you are…(EG if your boots are hurting all you’ll think about is ‘my feet hurt’)
    I am probably at my peak fitness now but mentally when it comes to the prospect of mountaineering/climbing I’m at my weakest possible place…3 years ago I solo’d Mont Blanc Du Tacul (the first 4,000m peak on the 3 Monts route to Mont Blanc) the next day I went to the Mer Du Glace and solo’d all afternoon including the 15ft WI4+ because..It knew it my head I was completely and utterly able and nothing could stop me. We would climb every day possible, I would take the lead whenever I could…I was never ‘super fit’ but I was a healthy, 21% BMI, I could plod a 61min 10km, I could keep going for 10+ hours and I was happy.
    What I am trying to say is if you put the same mental hat on that you use to cruise a 55min 10km then you can wear that hat and climb any mountain you desire – You have it so use it whilst you can…I’ve backed off almost as many routes as I’ve summited..Use the past to push you forwards. You WILL kick the mountains butt.

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