Over the last year or so, on and off, I’ve been struggling. After the initial weight loss, the feeling good, all the PBs rolling in, the adrenaline has worn off and I’m now left with the body and the fitness I want, but the mind of a fat girl. It doesn’t matter what I achieve, how far I can run, how high I can climb the voice inside my head is ALWAYS telling me I can’t do it. It’s extremely exhausting being me and maintaining a positive front all the time when inside I am screaming!
You see I am inherently hard on myself. I see heavy breathing as a weakness rather than effort, I see struggling to the summit as a sign that I’m unfit, not that the summit is insanely steep and that 99% of people would struggle. For running, I’m in control of these demons – I get through and even if I fail I only have to set foot out of the door on a good day and all wrongs have been righted and I live to fight a new day.
My arch nenemis is mountaineering. My stats say that I should be able to do it easily:
– Marathon and half marathon runner – check
– Low resting heart rate (55 bpm) – check
– Low end of BMI scale (22) – check
– Does shed loads of exercise/training – check
I just don’t have the bollox for it. I really struggle mentally to tell myself I can get up that hill. Something inside remembers the mildly overweight, unfit girl who tried to haul her lazy arse up Kilimanjaro, but didn’t make it.
Next year I have set my sights on Elbrus, Russia (5,642 metres; 18,510 ft) in June or July. It’s going to be tough, but I’ll have Rich with me for support (something I’ve not had before – I usually do things alone) and I know with his help I can do this. I should be marathon fit by then too so there’s no excuse!
Then the old me will be dead and buried, and the new me will kick that mountain’s butt!